Italy

Today was brought to you by the letter L (for lunatic), Wild thing (The Trogs), Newton Faulkner, Haribo and the letter V (for valium).

Woke up to a glorious clear day. Left at 0940 after another sumptuous breakfast of coffee and chocolate filled croissant (note to self: must vary diet and remember 5-a-day doesn't usually mean 5 chocolate filled croissant). Joined the madness that is the Tangenziale to join the A1/E35 south. Thought it would get quieter but basically it was full on chaos pretty much all the way. The Tuscan hills made for some fantastic views, snatched while trying to avoid the other cars.

On the way I tried to figure out how to drive Italian style. I finally settled on these basic rules:

1. Speed limits are minimums not maximums
2. Leave at most a fag-papers width between you and the car in front
3. Brake if and only if there is no room to go around. See rule 10.
4. White lines are for following not driving between
5. To overtake apply rules 2,3 and 4 until nerve of driver in front finally gives (or they finish their call on the mobile) and pull over, usually just missing the wing of the car on the inside lane
6. Anticipation is what you experience watching football - it doesn't apply to driving
7. There are only two speeds to drive at: fast or stop. See rule 1
8. Parking. Yes - anywhere
9. Mirrors are for seeing how great you look
10. Real men don't brake. See rule 3.
11. 
    

Arrived Sutri about 1700 not realising that the roads in this small town were built by the Romans many hundreds of years ago who hadn't realised that their descendants would want to drive 4x4s and BMWs along them. The wife nearly had kittens as we followed TomTom to the main car park, through what I can only describe as pavements - they were NOT roads. I may write to TomTom and insist they add road widths. Parked up and decided to walk the rest of the way to find the flat, which thankfully was just off the main piazza.

After chatting to the very friendly landlord, who explained where we could park (funnily enough there were no spaces) we realised we'd have to negotiate the streets once more. To cut a long story short we got the car close enough to unpack and found somewhere to park for the night.

Finally we ventured out to forage for milk, bread and something to eat. Settling for a couple of slices of pizza and a cup of tea in our new home. Both too tired to do anything more adventurous.

A domani.

Switzerland

Long day today. Started out at 0800ish after a hearty breakfast of chocolate croissant and coffee. Attempted to refuel at an automated pump near the hotel and failed miserably. No matter. Hit the motorway and headed east from Metz straight into rather thick fog. Visibility down to 100m or so. Perhaps this isn't going to be a straightward journey after all! Luckily it burnt off as we drove east, refueling successfully soon after the fog cleared.

The quiet drive soon ended as soon as we hit the German border. After the quiet of the French motorways we were faced with the onslaught of Germans and Swiss driving past at mach 4. Welcome to the autobahn. Even TomTom gave up showing the maximum speed on the A5. Once at Basel and through the traffic jam at the Swiss border (about 50 cars).

Negotiated our way through Basel (wifey commenting that the town's a bit like a Swiss version of Birmingham and spaghetti junction - I'm sure it's very nice). Once away from the towns we could appreciate the joy of the Swiss landscape until we get near to Zurich and then it all goes horribly wrong. We take the wrong turn and end up going north around Zurich - turned around and headed south looking for the ring road around the south. This, it appears, isn't complete as I and the camper in-front nearly career through the bollards into the tunnel we obviously both want but can't have, and forced onto a road neither of us know. Some frantic mapping reading by the wife and swearing at TomTom "turn right", "no", "turn right in 300 meters", "NO! Where the hell are we?", "turn around when possible","Just f**k off!". Now we're on a quiet Swiss back road and no idea where we are. It's time to do what I hate doing - trust TomTom. We punch in our new destination, Gotthard, and stare at the little screen, slavishly doing it's bidding. All credit to TomTom, after some very scenic driving, it got us back onto the motorway and somewhere on a map.

Some may wonder why I don't just trust the technology. TomTom is a fantastic device and I wouldn't go anywhere without it. However, I refuse to abdicate all responsibility to it. I want to know where I am and where I'm going - if I get lost I want to know I did it all on my own.

The drive through the rest of Switzerland was truly stunning, perhaps we will return for our last week to appreciate the mountains fully. Perhaps I'll even get to climb one ... well, perhaps, one of the smaller ones. Finally made the St Gotthard Tunnel, expecting long queues, only to find we flew through, much to wifey's relief - she's not a fan of tunnels. The thought of 17km under ground with Italian drivers and having read about the very tragic accident a few years ago, even I was relieved to get to the other side. Swapped driving with wifey at the Gotthard services headed into Italy. The drive initially being very easy but soon descended into wholesale carnage as we hit the border. After 7 hours in a car the final drive to Milan started taking its toll on both of us. Tempers started to fray, thankfully we found our hotel before TomTom was used as a blunt weapon.

Ended the day with a Snack noodle and Spicy Tomato Pasta - well it was Italy, dont-cha-know, and endorsed by Ainsley Harriett. Posh pot noodle by anyone else's definition.